tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC October 6, 2016 11:00pm-12:02am CDT
dicky: >> guillermo:. >> jimmy: >> jimmy:. it's ?jimmy kimmel l? tonight, martin lawrence from ?westworld?, luke hemsworth this week in unnecessary censorship and music from gary clark jr. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: thank you. >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming.
>> jimmy: i appreciate all the clapping. i needed that. i've been feeling a little bummed out today. last night the jets played the giants, and the winner of the game, winner goes to the playoffs. it's a one-game deal. i rushed over to a restaurant to watch it. it's a serious pitcher's dual. own who walks into the restaurant and sits down not just at the table next to me but his back literally touching my who would you guess that person was? worse, matt damon. and sure enough, moments after he walked in, the giants got a hit and then a walk and then a home run and then the mets lost 3-0. just like that the season was over. thanks, matt. it's bad enough you ruin movies. now you have to ruin baseball
thoughts with those affected by hurricane matthew, another matt nobody likes. [ applause ] >> jimmy: president obama declared a state of emergency. it's tense right there right now. the governor of florida strongly urged locals toeevacuate. some are not doing. vanilla ice announced despite the mandatory evacuation order, beach to ride it out. he plans to live tweet the storm. you'd think the think the guy who wrote quick to the point to the point no faken, cooking like a pound of bacon would be smarter than that. if there's any bright side, at least the cable news channels covered something other than donald trump today. [ applause ]
he gets around. yesterday was in reno where he schooled the crowd who gathered to support him on how to properly pronounce the name of their state. >> heroin and meth overdoses in nevada, nevada. you know what i said in i said when i came out here, i said nobody says it the other way. it has to be nevada. and if you don't say it cotl friend of mine, he was killed. >> jimmy: right. the only problem is that's wrong. i grew up in las vegas. it's nevada, not nevada. we pronounce it nevada, but -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: anyway, what was it you were saying about the heroin and meth overdoses? donald trump goes from subject to subject so quickly, it's hard to keep up.
we did it tonight again for drunk donald trump. >> my economic agenda can be summed up, and i think you know what it is. what is my economic? what is it? jobs. jobs. [ laughter ] >> i don't have to say it. it [ applause ] >> jimmy: jobs. from a comedy standpoint, trump has been getting a run for his money from the libertarian candidate for president, gary johnson. first he didn't know aleppo was the center of the refugee crisis. then he couldn't name a single foreign leader he admires, and
of north korea. the reporter said do you know the name of north korea's leader, he said i do and refused to say the name. google kim jong-un haircut. i want to defend him. i'm tired of the mainstream media asking got you questions. at this point he doesn't know anything president. he knows he's not going to be president. vanilla ice is more likely to be president than gary johnson, so stop humiliating him. i mean, really. is this an election or game show? oh, it's a game show? i'm sorry. i didn't realize. >> tuesday, don't miss a brand new spin on a classic game. get ready to perry with gary. >> are you smarter than gary
>> what is aleppo? >> you're kidding me? >> no. >> he's not a fifth grader. >> who's your fair foreign leader? >> i'm having a brain -- >> but he might as well be. >> are you smarter than gary johnson followed by an all new win jill stain's money. >> >> jimmy: maybe he's not so great with the interview part. he shines in the swim suit competition. as you know, i'm not just the host of a talk show. i'm a well loved television judge. guillermo and i have been hearing real cases from small claims court who agreed to withdraw their complaints and bring them to me. >> this is the plaintiff. cindy garcia.
handbags from the defendant. she said she never received the handbags and is seeking reimbursement. this is the defendant. she claims the bags were paid for in installments and offered to refund the plaintiff in the same lay away manner. . >> raise your right >> what you are about to witness is real. participants are not actors. they're litigants with a case pending in civil court. both parties agreed to drop their claims to have their case decided here by judge james. >> do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so god help you?
>> hi. >> jimmy: all right. you may be seated. >> guillermo: you can sit down. >> jimmy: all right. let's see what we have here. plaintiff is cindy garcia. miss garcia, you're suing miss martinez for $3239. that's the total amount you claim you paid the defendant in installments for two louis vuitton handbags with matching wallets that you never received, correct? >> that's correct. you offered to refund miss garcia in installments? >> yes. >> jimmy: diouf a store or boutique? >> no. i was just selling them on facebook. >> jimmy: okay. and where do you get the purses? >> straight from the louis vuitton store. >> jimmy: so the service you provide is the lay away service? >> yes. which the store doesn't.
start with you. what happened? >> what happened was i finished paying for my purses, and the defendant and i had agreed for her to deliver them on a certain date, and she did not, so i asked for a refund, and she did give me a $300 refund, and she agreed to give me a refund every 15th of the month after. >> jimmy: you have no purses? >> no purses or wallets. >> jimmy: and how have you been carrying your things? >> i have another purse. >> jimmy: is this >> part. >> jimmy: did you just say par issue? >> please don't use language like that in my courtroom or i'll have you destroyed. >> guillermo: can i say something? my people use those words. >> jimmy: what people are you with? >> guillermo: latinos? >> jimmy: do you use the word parsh? >> i do not.
do. >> jimmy: you agreed to give the plaintiff all her money back? >> the same way she paid me, that's how i told her she could refund her from when she started buying from me. >> jimmy: you're out about $2900 right now? >> $3200. >> guillermo: that's a lot of money. >> jimmy: it is. >> guillermo: i would give my kill if she buy those things. >> jimmy: you claiming to your wife in court? >> guillermo: it's too expensive. >> jimmy: one more word and i have you in handcuffs. what did you do with the plaintiff's money? >> i initially started paying -- it was a number of people, so as soon as they would pay it off, i would give them the item within two weeks. >> jimmy: so it was like a pyramid scheme type thing? >> yeah. >> jimmy: now that your shady business is out of work, what do
>> i go to school and have a day care. >> jimmy: and parents bring your children there and you give them back at the end of the day? >> of course. >> jimmy: cindy, would you like to see suzy go to jail? >> no. >> jimmy: that's nice, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: suzy, would you be willing to do chores around her house to pay off the money? >> if that's what she agrees to. >> jimmy: oh. would you be ginterested. >> jimmy: i'm going to adjourn and i'll be back with my verdict. >> guillermo: no problem. >> jimmy: thanks. >> guillermo: speaking spanish. >> will this bailiff fall asleep in that chair? judge james verdict when we return. >> jimmy: we'll take a break.
decision in this spell binding edition of judge james, and "unnecessary censorship" is coming up. we'll be right back. but you don't love that you can't get all your favorites all day. but i want mcgriddles too. but now you'll love that you can get more all day. like those mcgriddles. yeah i do love that! so you'll have to find something else to not love. like dog strollers. or football players who stress the word "the". tv: the glencoebrook state community college... ...cause it's as if it didn't even matter. ...over and over and... get more choices you love, now with all day breakfast. we dance on the salsa team together, and it's like a lot of power in what we wear. when we're practicing if i don't feel good in what i'm wearing i don't look good. t.j.maxx has that variety. i can get a lot for my money. it's like "yay t.j.maxx!" if you're feeling it, just go for it, don't wait. maxx life at t.j.maxx. i use metamucil because no one can beat it for regularity. and it's the #1 brand.
if they were original, no? >> jimmy: everybody is supposed to stand when i come in. >> guillermo: oh. stand up for judge james. >> jimmy: okay. you can all sit. >> guillermo: sit down. >> jimmy: well, i'll be honest. i didn't even have to think about this case. i actually just went outside to take a little walk around. it seems pretty clear t paid the money whether it be paid in installments, she didn't get the purses. i award the plaintiff the full amount of $3239. >> guillermo: now we can go. >> jimmy: yeah. everybody can go. >> let's speak to the big winner. congratulations. >> thank you. >> who do you think you are, paris hilt snn. >> no.
can't be happy with judge james' verdict. what do you think? was judge james just a little too parsh? >> just a little. >> what kind of purse diouf? >> a coach. cross body. >> that's pretty nice. can i take a look? i haven't seen a coach. >> on the next judge james. >> i need to suit with -- >> jimmy: do you think there's any possibility he murdered mr. murder mr. lee. >> jimmy: mr. morris now removed his pants. >> jimmy: all right. this is kind of interesting. michelle obama, you know who that is, right? okay. she loves vegetables and stuff. there's an interesting story. this week it says that she is doing whatever it takes to make sure that whoever lives in the white house next doesn't mess
she put down concrete stone and steel to make the garden a permanent part of the white house grounds. basically she pulled a trump and built a wall around her vegetables. it's interesting to see how the different presidents and white ladies taylor the white house. bill clinton kept a small vegetable garden on the roof of the house, and by that i mean hooters waitress and kept the small waitress from the roof if he needed anything. i guess the concern is that donald trump would tear the garden out if he moved in. the truth is the only person who wants to destroy that garden is president obama, her husband. he must be so sick of kale by now. his dream is to bulldoze that garden, to tear it up and plant a field of cigarettes instead. one more thing, it's thursday night. that means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week.
censorship." >> you planning a super bowl parade. you lose like last week and you go what the [ bleep ] happened? >> yeah. yeah. >> i know you boycotted prime minister netanyahu's speech. b [ bleep ]. >> he came off as kind of a [ bleep ]. >> i've been [ bleep ] by very successful people, mark cuban. >> i do not think there will be many places bleep ]ing will continue to take place. it's a lot of people. >> randy moss was on hand to blow the big vikings [ bleep ]. >> great men have big [ bleep ]. >> steve, could you ask him if they've before [ bleep ]ed? >> you're from the dakotas. >> yes. >> are you involved in [ bleep ]ing? >> name an animal who likes to stick his plp[ bleep ] out.
>> jimmy: tonight from the new hbo show ?westworld,? luke hemsworth is here. australia's number one export used to be iron ore, now it is hemsworths then, this is his new single -- from the ?deepwater horizon? soundtrack it's called ?tae down,? gary clark jr. from the crown royal stage. you can see gary live on his first solo tour, you can see him at the ace hotel theatre here in la december 1st. next week we will be joined by don rickles, john stamos, they'll with here together. they're dating. jennifer connelly, matthew perry, colin farrell, laverne cox, and we will have music from two door cinema club, crx, flatbush zombies and nas
please join us for that. whether he be on stage or on tv or on the big screen, our first guest is a funny man. he returns to stand up. it resumes tomorrow night at the k koz ma poll tin hotel tomorrow night. please welcome martin lawrence. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you look great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: how's life? >> life is great. >> jimmy: you got this tour going on now. you're launching phase two of the tour in las vegas. >> yes. >> jimmy: tomorrow. besides writing jokes and going through material and all that stuff, how do you get ready far
when i was young i used to party. >> jimmy: you don't party anymore? >> no. >> jimmy: even birthday partys? >> no. i just get ready for the day and the show. >> jimmy: all day you're just getting ready? >> yeah. i watch a movie, get food and fuel. i go to sound check to make sure and see the venue. >> jimmy: do you have a movie in mind tomorrow? >> i want to see the one with robert >> jimmy: you're a little bit behind on the movies? >> yeah. i'm behind. i take this box on the road with me, and i'm able to watch movies that i've missed. >> jimmy: i got you. all right. nice. and when you're in las vegas, i know you said you don't party. do you go to shows or dinner buffets? >> i love to go to shows. the most recent i went to in las
she brought me up on stage. it was like living the dream. >> jimmy: was it? >> yeah. [ applause ] >> jimmy: what is her relationship status right now? i'd love to see the two of you together. >> i don't know. >> jimmy: you could make love to her if she was interested, right? >> i got somebody right now. >> jimmy: you do? all right. what's on the contract rider right >> food. and make sure my dressing room is straight, i got enough room so i'm comfortable. a lot of food. >> jimmy: a lot of food? and will you be in las vegas for just the one night? >> yeah, and then off to other cities. >> jimmy: you've had high profile visitors. some of them you put on instagram. there you are with ken rick
>> jimmy: diddy came to the show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: this is a good one. you got t.i. and tracy morgan at the show. >> yeah. that was in atlanta. >> jimmy: this one is of particular interest to me, partly because i am a tv judge as well, but here you are with judge mathis, and the thing -- the best part it said so we'll get the drinks soon, hash tag judge mathis knows how to spot a crack head. what does that mean? >> i don't know. but it was nice to have him out there at the show. all of them that came out. we had a great time. >> jimmy: this show spawned your first standup special. how many years has it been since you did one? >> 14 years since my last one. >> jimmy: 14 years, and this one
about this. first of all, does it come with the dvd player? nobody has these anymore. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know that box you have? everything else has that too. >> well, we'll have to get that on the box. >> jimmy: you'll have to get that. >> that's a good one. >> jimmy: also it's called "doing time mean you didn't edit it? >> no. we did. i said whatever i wanted. >> jimmy: do people advise you not to say that. >> i've been in the game too long. i do what i want. >> jimmy: you do an imitation of mike tyson. >> not a good one. >> jimmy: it's pretty good. does mike know? you do it for him? >> i wouldn't do it for him.
i'm going to stop doing me. >> jimmy: mike's got a pretty good sense of humor. you should invite him to the show. >> i would love him to come as long as he has a good sense of humor. >> jimmy: we'll find out. he either way it will be funny. invite him on stage. do you know him well? >> i met him a couple of times. >> jimmy: your daughter is going to college now. >> yes. >> jimmy: at duke, which is a great school. do you visit her there? >> yes. >> jimmy: and do the kids go nuts when they see you there? >> they don't go nuts, but they keep it cool, but i sat in one of my daughter's classes so i got a lot of cool points. >> jimmy: what class? >> it was like afro american studies. >> jimmy: did you pay attention and learn?
school. >> jimmy: like this. do members of your family come to your comedy shows, especially when you travel around the country? >> yes. >> jimmy: how does that go? >> good. it's a lot of pressure because you want to be funny that night. if you're not, they'll let you know. >> jimmy: they let you know? >> you were all right tonight. >> jimmy: is there anyone in particular that has given you a hard time? >> not really. nobody. >> jimmy: because you wouldn't >> i wouldn't. >> jimmy: but you have to accommodate all of them? >> yes. >> jimmy: are there ever a lot, too many? >> if i go to my hometown in maryland, there will be a lot. my nieces and nephews. >> jimmy: you're not making any money that night because everybody is there for free? >> yeah. >> jimmy: something like that. when we come back, we'll talk more with martin lawrence after this.
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him. i have his phone number. >> come here, funny man. come here. stop that. >> jimmy: when you were first here on this show a long time ago, we talked a little bit about -- you have a farm or a ranch in virginia? >> a ranch. >> jimmy: you still going there a lot? >> i go there to get away when i'm not in hollywood. i go there and mess with my horses. >> jimmy: how many horses diouf? >> >> jimmy: what are their names? >> cody, barren and shadow. >> jimmy: do you rise the horses? >> no. shadow is crazy. he buck you. just get it, so i just like to walk them around and when the other people come, if they want to get on them, you're more than welcome to. >> jimmy: sign this paper right here and you can get on any horse you want.
are you slopping animals? >> no. >> jimmy: cutting wheat? >> no. i have a basketball court. i have a bowling alley. >> jimmy: what kind of a ranch is this? sounds like the bunny ranch. >> it's cool. just somewhere to get away. >> jimmy: are horses the only animals you have? >> yeah, and i got a lot of geese. >> jimmy: geese? >> yeah. they be fly on my property just popping everywhere. >> jimmy: have you ever shot one? >> no no but somebody thought i did. the next door neighbor thought i was shooting at geese. >> jimmy: was she just crazy or -- >> she was crazy. >> jimmy: did she come over and say were you shooting geese? >> no. she talks to whoever runs the property. >> jimmy: she sent the geese police? >> yeah. >> jimmy: really? you had to say no, i wasn't shooting geese. >> exactly. >> jimmy: do you think that was a racially charged i said
incident. >> jimmy: maybe it was. who knows? you don't know this lady? >> no. >> jimmy: you should go over there in the middle of the night sometime. >> no. i don't want no problems. i'm going to leave her alone. >> jimmy: do people come up and visit you at the ranch? >> i have a lot of family and friends come. >> jimmy: when you are out in public and people see you, what do they say to you most? >> the most? >> jimmy: yeah. >> when we going to do another "bad boys". >> jimmy: that's a good question. and when are you? >> we're looking toward maybe, you know, march. hopefully maybe it may happen, and -- >> jimmy: really? >> if we can get everybody together at the same time. >> jimmy: who is the hold out? do we need to talk to somebody? >> it's the matter of getting the script right and doing it at the right time. >> jimmy: very good. is that an official announcement
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>> jimmy: when i became a talk show host, i had no idea where this journey would lead. today i'm running for vice president of the united states. >> do you think you're making a mockery of this election? >> i think it's too late for anyone to do that, wolf. >> together we can make today yesterday's tomorrow again. >> we're with him. jimmy kimmel live, weeknights on abc. ?
his new show on hbo is called "westworld". please welcome luke hemsworth. ? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: please, have a seat. relax. how many hemsworth brother >> there's a lot. >> jimmy: just when we think we've met all of you, there's another. >> we have cousins , we're coming out of the wood work. >> jimmy: are they back home or did they follow you over here? >> my wife is here and my dog and my kids. mom and dad kind of live this amazing good life where they're chaperoning around the world. >> jimmy: do they still live where you guys lived growing up? >> no.
to the most amazing place. >> jimmy: your brothers told me you were basically raised like a pack of wild dingos. you were free range children? >> yeah, the house of horrors. >> jimmy: was it known locally? don't send your kids over there? >> we'd wake up in the morning and say see you mom and just disappear into the bush. and i think as we got older, participants of kids we knew would gradually drop their kids from our house. and it would get to the point where -- because we had a really steep driveway, and then the red to that driveway was literally a goat track, and so dad would be like oh, i'm building a model airplane in the shed. can you go get what's his name from down at the shops. we'd jump on a motorbike. >> jimmy: which age? >> 10, 12. no helmet, and we'd ride and
and bring them back and introduce them to one death trap after another. >> jimmy: as a father now, does that amaze you that a 10-year-old would get on a motor bike with no helmet? >> yeah. i'm amazed now, because i ride a motor bike still, and to get on one without a helmet at that age, but there was no one there. you have to understand this is in the middle of nowhere. >> jimmy: there's no traffic accident. >>re stop at. >> jimmy: and what's the age arrangement between you and your brothers? >> as far as i know i'm the oldest. >> jimmy: you're the old sest? >> i missed out on the height. i had a brick fall on my head as a kid. i think that might have stunted my growth. it didn't affect me any other way. >> jimmy: how did that happen? >> i was climbing a ball underneath someone else, and i
you feel the lump? >> jimmy: i'd love to. oh, my god. that's a serious lump. >> i know. >> jimmy: you still have it? did they not take you to the doctor? >> i still have it. >> jimmy: you've got to get that lump checked out. i want everyone in the audience to feel the lump on the way out. [ applause ] >> jimmy: the famous hemsworth lump. >> it's called eduardo. >> jimmy: did you beat up on your brothers? >> every chance i could, and i still do. >> jimmy: you have to >> jimmy: they're big, yeah. >> but they're actually quite soft. and they cry a lot. i take great joy in making them cry. >> jimmy: when is the last time you made one of them cry? >> just the other day. >> jimmy: how did you guys -- >> i was like liam, have a shave. come on. you look like the paddle pop lion. >> jimmy: that's a reference we don't get.
australian. >> jimmy: you were the first one in the family to get into acting, right? >> i was, yeah. >> jimmy: and how did that happen from you guys were living in this kind of, i don't want to say the wilderness. i don't know what you were doing, but how did you all wind up in the acting business? >> i think it came from having a good sense of play, and what mom would do, if we'd play and you were out of line she'd be like that's it, the tv is going away, and she'd carry the giant tv into the wardrobe, because she's >> jimmy: sure. thor's mother, right. obviously. >> it would go away for months, and i think it forced us to kind of use our brains as much as we could. >> jimmy: why wouldn't you use your brains to get that tv back. >> that's a great idea. >> jimmy: and so that's what activated your imagination? >> i think it's part of it. and i think mom and dad also had a great love of the arts.
when you were allowed to watch tv, we watched a lot of great old stuff like marks brothers and bran doe and all that. >> jimmy: would you watch american television shows? >> yeah. lots of american tv. >> jimmy: did you ever watch "martin"? >> no. we didn't get him. australia's a little bit behind as well. we're only australia's like hey, i'm on west world, they're like that's that great new movie. right? yes. that's how far behind. >> jimmy: hbo doesn't happen immediately like it does here? >> it does now. it never used to. >> jimmy: are people back home watching the show? >> yes. >> jimmy: explain what's going on in the show. i'm not sure i quite understand what's happening on the show. >> i have no idea. tony hopkins said to me, yes, it's very good. diouf any idea what it's -- do
>> jimmy: that's anthony hop kins? >> his friends call him tony. >> jimmy: we're not in that circle. >> we get the script, but they're pretty dense, and sometimes i need to watch the show in order to work it out, but they're not very forth coming in giving answers. >> jimmy: they don't trust you? is that possible? >> for sure, yeah. >> jimmy: well, yeah, after hearing these stories, i can hear why. it's great to have you here. congratulations. it's great to have another hemsworth o >> jimmy: luke hemsworth! ?westworld? airs sundays at 9pm on hbo. and we shall return with music from gary clark jr. >> announcer: "the jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by new crown royal
this is "nightline." >> tonight breaking news. monster storm. hurricane matthew menacing florida. winds of up to 130 miles per hour raging just offshore. the state's governor with a dire wa to kill people. >> mass evacuations across several states and millions facing what could be the most powerful storm to hit the east coast in more than a decade. plus a murder for hire plot unraveling. one of the hit men cooperating with authorities. will he reveal who hired him to kill this florida professor? the exclusive undercover phone recordings that have investigators closing in on the